This has been a good week with OKCupid, which is an unexpected surprise. It has been good because I came across some great profiles that were great to read, and because my interactions with fellow OKCupiders ended up picking my brains in unexpected ways. Several different interactions meshed quite nicely in my head; I am going to try to explain them all as one. The sequence described here isn’t necessarily the sequence of events that took place in real life. This is more a summary of how different interactions came to be together in my head, and interesting points I learned from them about myself.
Ok so here it goes….
A pretty interesting Jewish guy asks me several questions about myself. I reply, go back to my reply next day, and have this “WTF” private reaction. As I re-read my own reply the next day, I wanted to cry because it bore me to tears. It was a blandly banal reply, and I was having hard time relating to the writer (that would be me). So I was trying to understand why while my reply was honest, it was very boring to read. I mean, I am a pretty good writer, and I have managed to bring forth my spunky, at times mischievous, and pretty amazing personality in my writings. What’s up with this a flop when I actually want a person to like me?
And apparently me wanting a person (a particular OKCupid user) to like me is a problem. What I really wanted to communicate was “Дядя, а ваш профиль мне очень даже понравился. So in turn, I want you to like my answers, and like me for an amazing and awesome person that I am. Simply put, choose me to pay attention to.”
What stops me from communicating that are the QUESTION and A QUESTION. THE QUESTION: “If you are so amazing and awesome, how come you are still single at the age of 34?” A QUESTION: “How do I communicate my awesomeness without coming across as boastful?”
Ok, now enters a second OKCupider comes into this post. He actually asked me THE QUESTION! I had no problems answering at all. In my 20th I was horribly overweight, emotionally and financially unstable, confused kid who was neither disciplined nor firmly grounded in a healthy routine. Had some great experiences and some “Oh, man, I really shouldn’t have done that” experiences, without really learning from them. Simply put, I wasn’t having the best relationship with myself at the time, let alone attempt to have an intimate relationship with another person. In my 30th I finally saw the light, actually at times it was major fireworks even; and have been able to transform myself into becoming a pretty awesome woman I knew I could be. And so now I am 34 and amazing. I can bitch, and moan, and complain that my growth took so long to mature and actualize my potential, but what good will that do? It is what it is.
A QUESTION is all on me. I have to figure out how to balance communicating to another person that I think I am pretty amazing, and I would like him to pay attention to me because I am amazing. Ok, seriously, doesn’t this sound a bit selfish?
Back to the pretty interesting Jewish guy. He wanted to know what I am passionate about. I wrote what I wrote, but than decided to ask my close friend what she thinks I am passionate about. Her answer put a smile on my face: “you are passionate about Jewish-ness, cooking and relationships (of many varieties). Jewish-ness is important part of you, and that is how you relate to the world, and because its how you best relate to the world, you want to keep that part of you honed and well taken care of.”
And that is where the clarity of my thoughts is no more! And that is OK because to quote Bryn Christopher:
But I know I’ll be alright
It’s coming stronger to me
And I know someone is out there
Lead the way
Lead the way
Show me the answers I need to know
By: Y on January 20, 2011
at 12:43 am
As far as “A Question” goes, I think the best strategy here is just to be yourself. That is to say don’t over-think it and just say what comes naturally. If what comes naturally is humility and the guy is not patient enough or is blind to see all the good things about you that you yourself are not just blurting out in a self-praising way, probably not the right guy for you. If the natural instinct is to be forward and somewhat boastful (not necessarily a bad thing) and the guy is turned off by that, also probably not the right guy.
Of course one could always go into the analysis of “would I prefer the guy who gets turned on by approach A or approach B”, who is the better man? for me? but IMO unless for some reason you want to redeisgn yourself and your natural insticts that’s a pointless excercise so I go back to my original point: when it comes to dating, don’t overthink and just be yourself
Good luck and go get them!
By: Payam on January 20, 2011
at 10:03 pm
Payam jan, you have known me for a while now…. Don’t you think that being myself can be a tad too much at times? I have a huge extroverted side to myself. Has it ever annoyed you or became too much to be around?
By: insearchofhubby on January 20, 2011
at 10:53 pm
Too much to be around? No, never! … well maybe sometimes :p
So the point I was trying to get at was, yes you for sure do have a huge extroverted side to your personality, but at the same time you fully embrace that and you are proud of it and it makes you happy. Are some people going to be turned off by it? yeah probably. Is it going to be a huge portion of those who come in contact with you? who really knows. Are you going to miss out on the opportunity to be with the one you are meant to be with, because of it? Most definately not. If he can’t handle it why would he be the right one.
I can tell you my own personal experience coming from the opposite side of the spectrum; being incredibly quiet and introverted and anti-social. But the big difference there was I was not happy being that way and I genuinly wanted to transform my personality into something a little different, because I realized the people I wanted to suround myself with would most definately be turned off by the way that I was. So I made some changes and in the end I didn’t land too far from where I started but in a better spot none the less and I am all the happier for it.
You can tone it down if you think that is the right move, but do it for yourself not to live up to expectations of others.
By: Payam on January 21, 2011
at 1:43 pm
Spoken very wisely! Indeed, I would like someone to rejoice in my personality, not to wish that it was something else altogether different. That wouldn’t be liking me! It would be liking someone else, but living with me. Brrrrr…. خدا ما را نجات از آن!
On a same post, but different point. What do you mean “go get them?” Shouldn’t they be getting me!?!?!?! The evil ways of American society has corrupted your pure Oriental soul! It is interfering with the superiority of Persian upbringing. You silly guy! Girls don’t chase after boys. It is boys who do the chasing.
Truth to be told, a guy asking me out works a lot better than me asking a guy out. And it has nothing to do with the fear of rejection. It has a lot more to do with my belief/understanding/cultural upbringing of what is appropriate for a man, and what is appropriate for a woman.
By: insearchofhubby on January 21, 2011
at 4:44 pm
hahaha, I didn’t mean much by that. It was meant to be a generic: “good luck out there”. Agree, guy initiating the first date works better, though I don’t think “chase” is the right verb. I was never into the whole “chase” thing. I am not a cat and I hope the girls don’t imagine themselves to be a mice. We will just leave the chase to Tom and Jerry!
By: Payam on January 21, 2011
at 6:17 pm
O, what I say may be a bit controversial, but I think with your dominating personality you should be the one doing the chase. Unless of course you will find someone who will turn you into the lamb
By: Vadim on January 22, 2011
at 1:17 pm
I don’t think I have a dominating personality. I have a strong one, but not dominating. And u know, for my culture my personality is quite the norm. I think Oriental Cultures provide different type of personalities. We are go getters and used to having to fight for our right to be. I know Bukharian guys don’t find me dominant at all.
Sent from my iPhone
By: insearchofhubby on January 22, 2011
at 1:24 pm
great answer by the way. May be I should reread the “Taming of the Shrew”
By: Vadim on January 22, 2011
at 2:36 pm
Maybe you should
I was just talking to a friend of mine and I was telling her that it is often very hard for me to communicate that while I have a strong personality, I am also pretty aware to put it aside to make space for people. And partly it is because in my culture it was understood that whether a woman is stronger than a man or not, it is always given that a man will be given his respect as a man.
By: insearchofhubby on January 25, 2011
at 10:54 pm
It is a question of a leadership in a relationship. Many men want to be leaders, some don’t though. According to Kabbalah at least, men tend to reach high in the sky and women tend to keep men grounded.
By: Vadim on January 26, 2011
at 11:34 am